


Fortune Favors the Kobold

by XiuChen4Ever



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Byun Baekhyun is a Little Shit, German Folklore - Freeform, House Cleaning, Kim Jongdae | Chen is a Little Shit, Kobolds, M/M, Other, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2020-04-07 21:57:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19093906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XiuChen4Ever/pseuds/XiuChen4Ever
Summary: Minseok went to Berlin for beer, cake, and street culture.  He did not sign up for permanent stewardship of two foreign house sprites.Written for ExoMonsterFest 2019, Prompt T87.





	Fortune Favors the Kobold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [unnieunnie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnieunnie/gifts).



🍺🎂🍻

 

All Minseok had wanted was to relax.  He’d just wanted to walk around in a foreign city, check out some street art, drink some awesome beer, and stuff himself with chocolate cake.  Just a nice, normal vacation. 

And it was great—everything he’d hoped for and more.  Right up until he got home from Berlin and opened his suitcase to find zero clothing and two tiny little men who rapidly expanded to larger little men, both of whom immediately started yelling.

“This is so cool!” one of them said.  He was wearing a red and white poncho-cape thing and a pointy red hat and absolutely no pants.

“We’re so clever!” the other agreed.  His pointy hat was yellow to match his yellow and green poncho-thing.  He also had no pants.

And Minseok could only stand there, blinking blearily and wondering whether the symptoms of jet lag included hallucinations.

A hiss and a yowl from his cat suggested that she could also see the bare-assed miscreants and was Most Displeased with their presence in her domain.

The half-naked little men streaked past Minseok, faces twisted in terror, Tan hot on their heels.

“Great,” Minseok said to himself.  “I am now in a Dr. Seuss book.”

Would he, could he, with a cat, know what the fuck to make of that?  Spoiler alert:  _ No. _

“Hey!” Minseok called.  “Thing One and Thing Two!  Who are you and why were you in my luggage?”

The pair scrabbled cartoonishly on his kitchen floor—they were wearing ridiculous curly-toed felt shoes to really complete their (lack of) ensemble—but managed to charge directly for Minseok, who was too shocked to do anything more than throw his arms up defensively.  This maneuver failed to stop them from tucking themselves one under each arm and wrapping their arms tightly around his waist.

Minseok liked hugs as much as the next guy.  But he also liked hygiene. And having two strangers hold him close while their bare naked junk pressed up against his thighs?  Definitely high on his list of Do Not Want.

“Save us from the horrible beast, Meister!” they yelled.  “Don’t let it eat us! We’ll be good!”

Tan was stalking towards the trio, head low, tail swishing, with a menacing rumble coming from her throat.  Even Minseok was rather intimidated by this display from his usually-amicable pet. Combined with his own less-than-charitable feelings toward these stowaways, Minseok quickly decided he’d rather be on Tan’s side of the altercation.

Putting his taekwondo skills to good use, he freed himself from their hold which had the regrettable side effect of leaving them sitting with their naked cheeks on his nice clean floor.  But sacrifices must be made in cases of surprise home invasion, so Minseok ignored that distressing detail in favor of scooping up his irate cat.

“Right, enough of this nonsense,” Minseok said firmly.  “Give me one good reason not to call the police and hold you at cat-point until they get here.”  He brandished Tan menacingly, willing to use whatever advantages he had in this absurd situation.  Tan obliged him by hissing, showing all her pointy white teeth.  _ Good kitty. _

The little dudes cowered, clinging to each other and eying Minseok with alarmed confusion.  

“B-but Meister,” the one in red finally said.  “You bound us to you. We can’t go anywhere else.”

“Yeah,” the one in green nodded.  “We have to live where  _ you _ live.  We’re part of your household now.”

Minseok blinked.

Tan squirmed.

Minseok set her down, and the fluffy charcoal-and-white cat leapt to the top of the dining table—another place Minseok didn’t like bare asses, human or otherwise—and proceeded to right her ruffled fur.

Ignoring this blatant disrespect, Minseok closed his eyes and counted slowly to ten, hoping when he opened them again, whatever travel-caused giddiness he had would have passed and there would not appear to be semi-nudists sat on his floor.

“...Meister?”

Damn.

Minseok opened his eyes rather reluctantly.  The little dudes were looking up at him, eyes occasionally flicking to the grooming cat.  They weren’t actually all that much smaller than he was, maybe fifteen centimeters or so shorter, he had noted when they’d tried to squeeze the breath out of him.  They were definitely adults based on the body hair their lack of pants was revealing. But they looked almost like children sitting on his floor, exposed and unashamed but wearing expressions of uncertainty that made him want to scoop them up and hug them just to make those faces form a happier shape.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and indulged in a sigh before pulling on his metaphoric big-boy pants.  He was the victim here. He wanted to evict these stowaways, not cuddle them.

“Right.  Do you have names?”  That should be a good start.  He couldn’t keep thinking about them as Thing One (the red one) and Thing Two (the green one).  That seemed rather rude.

Each little dude emitted some number of syllables from their mouths, containing entirely too many heavy Germanic consonants (was a hissing sound a consonant?) for Minseok to comfortably fit in his own un-German mouth.

Annoyed with the attempt to steal her sound of distaste, Tan hissed back, causing the little guys to hug each other in alarm.

Minseok sighed.  Calling them Thing One and Thing Two seemed increasingly appealing.

“Right, well, Korean doesn’t have most of those sounds so I’m gonna butcher your names if I ever attempt to—wait, how do you speak Korean?  Aren’t you German?” 

They both nodded, then the green-dressed one (Thing Two) lifted a tiny hand in the air before offering, “We lived in that hostel a long time, Meister.  People came from everywhere in the world and we’re quick learners. We can speak lots of languages.”

“Oh.”  That made a strange sort of sense, except for all the ways it didn’t.  “So, you lived in the hostel I stayed at, and you climbed into my luggage when I left?  Aren’t people going to be worried about you? How did you even fit in there?”

Minseok eyed the still-open suitcase suspiciously.  He saw them tumble out of it, yet the guys in front of him would be hard-pressed to fit even one of them in there.

“Kobolds are very versatile,” the red-capped one (Thing One) explained.  “And we only show ourselves to our Meister, and no one had left us any offerings since the old man died and his grandkids took over the hostel.”

“So no one even knew we were there for a long time,” Thing Two pouted, looking particularly adorable in the process.  “We’ve been so bored and lonely.”

“But then you left us the beer, and we were so happy to have such a handsome, considerate new Meister!”  Thing One chimed in, causing his companion to stop pouting in favor of smiling and nodding.

“ _ You _ drank my beer?” Minseok’s jaw dropped, then closed into a firm line as his eyebrows drew down accusingly.  He’d fallen asleep one night watching kids’ shows he didn’t understand, and when he’d woken up his beer bottle had been empty even though he hadn’t remembered finishing it.

“It was delicious!” Thing Two said, half-closed eyes and curled-up smile making him look much more like a cat who got the cream rather than—”

“Did you call yourself cobalts?” Minseok asked.  “What are those? Some kind of fraternity?”

“Kobolds,” Thing One corrected.  “We’re not a fraternity. We’re your hearthsprites.”  He looked around. “Even if you don’t seem to have a hearth.”

“Hearthsprites?” Minseok repeated.  “Like house spirits? Gashin?” Minseok knew there were still Koreans that believed in spirits guarding the home.  But they were superstition, not  _ real, _ right?  He couldn’t actually have a pair of German gashin sitting butt-naked in the middle of his floor.

The pair whispered back and forth in German, then turned back to him, all smiles and nods.  

“You feed us—”  

“And give us beer!”

“—and we help with the chores—”

“And protect you!”

“—as long as you take care of us.”  

Looking incredibly pleased with themselves, the kobolds giggled behind their tiny hands.

“Right,” Minseok said, face cracking into a yawn.  “I need sleep. And you need pants.”

Immediately two faces were pouting at him.  “We hate pants,” Thing Two whined. 

“Do we have to?” Thing One gave him huge puppy eyes.

Minseok was way too exhausted for any more mind-breaking discussions with little men he still wasn't sure were actually real.  “No. You don’t,” he said. “But Tan’s breed is famous for their hunting ability, and she really likes to pounce on things that are dangly or bouncy.”

“Pants are fine,” Thing Two said, hands cupping his crotch.

“Yes, we insist,” Thing One agreed, mimicking the action.

Minseok scooped up Tan.  “Come with me,” he instructed as he headed toward his bedroom.

He set Tan on the bedspread and rummaged in his bureau, pulling out two pairs of jersey shorts with drawstring waists.  They were too big for the kobolds, but nothing else he had would even come close to staying on their little bodies.

“Here,” he said, handing over the shorts.  

The kobolds hastily dressed, chortling at how baggy the shorts were.  Minseok only shooed them out of the room, keeping Tan inside just to be safe.  If those guys were actually real, he didn’t want anyone to end up bleeding.

He locked his bedroom door, popped in the earplugs he used whenever his upstairs neighbors threw loud parties, and put himself to bed.  He had no idea what just actually happened, what was real or not, but he was sure that a good night’s sleep would improve his ability to figure out what the fuck was going on.

 

🍺🎂🍻

 

Minseok woke up suddenly, folding himself in half before his eyes even opened in instinctive response to something touching his junk.  More accurately, some _ one, _ since Thing One was kneeling on his bed, doing his best to wrap his hands around Minseok’s morning wood.

“What the fuck!?” Minseok yelped, slapping the hands away from his manhood while writhing out of reach.

“Meister doesn’t need to be uncomfortable now that we’re here,” Thing One replied with a wide, boxy grin.  He reached for the fly of Minseok’s boxers again.

“No, thank you,” Minseok protested.  “I can, uh. Take care of myself.” 

Then his brow furrowed as he realized he could see down the hallway because his bedroom door was standing open.  The bedroom door that he distinctly remembered locking before he went to sleep.

“How did you get in here?  Where’s Tan? Where’s—” He broke off with a frown.  He couldn’t keep calling them Things, at least not out loud.

“I picked the lock!” Not-Thing-One says proudly.  “It was easy.”

Well damn.

“And Tan’s in the living room playing with—” Not-Thing-Two’s proper name flowed out of his mouth like music through static.  “Although the Katze says her name is actually Queen Mighty Huntress, Terror of Moths.”

Minseok blinked.  He knew his cat was an uppity creature, but  _ damn. _  “Wait, playing?”

Not-Thing-One nodded.  “We had a little chat. We agreed not to step on her or pull her tail or pet her fur the wrong direction or bother her when she’s sleeping, and she agreed not to claw us to ribbons or pierce us with teeth.  But she said she’s still going to hiss at us and swat us in the face if we’re obnoxious, and sometimes just for spite.”

“Oh,” Minseok said.  “Well. That’s… great, I guess.”  Now his hallucinations were talking with his cat.  This was fine. An image of a cartoon dog surrounded by fire inserted itself into his brain.

Minseok rolled out of bed to pull on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt.  He’d known he’d be jet-lagged and useless at work so he’d taken an extra vacation day to recover rather than be grumpy at his coworkers.  Which evidently gives him the opportunity to be grumpy at short creepy German dudes instead.

“Names,” Minseok said as he headed for the kitchen and his beloved coffeemaker.  “I’m sorry that my clumsy Korean tongue can’t pronounce your actual names, but I need something to call you.”

“Most of our Meisters didn’t even ask our names,” Not-Thing-One replied.  “They just called us whatever they wanted.”

Minseok raised a brow at that, then raised the other at the sight of Not-Thing-Two dragging a string—was that Minseok’s shoelace?—around the floor and hooting with delight when Queen Mighty Hunter, Terror of Moths pounced on the end of it.

The gurgling of the coffee machine recaptured his straying attention.  He filled a mug and sipped happily, eyes closed as he indulged in a moment free from the sight of unexpected souvenirs.  Thus braced, he pinned Not-Thing-One with a considering look. “Does your name have a meaning?” he asked.

The kobold nodded.  “It means ‘white’ and ‘hardy,’ he explained, then gripped his chin.  “I think people say blond now instead of white, though?” He ran his fingers through his flaxen hair.

Minseok shrugged.  “Well, what if I gave you a name in my own language that meant the same thing?  Would that be alright? I don’t want to take your name away just because I can’t pronounce it.”

“Sure!”

Minseok smiled gratefully, taking another life-giving sip of coffee as he headed to the sofa and the laptop on the coffee table.  He called up the list of hanja that are commonly used when babies are named, scanning through them for similar meanings.

“‘Baek’ often means ‘white,’ so that’s easy enough.  And… how about ‘hyun?’ It can mean ‘capable.’ Is that close enough to ‘hardy?’”

The kobold formerly known as Thing One nodded excitedly.  “I am very capable,” he preened.

“Good.  So I’ll call you Baekhyun.”  Minseok looked over at the other kobold, still giggling on the floor with his cat.  “What does his name mean?”

“‘Ancestor’ and ‘famous,’” the newly-named Baekhyun said, a bit of derision in his voice.  “But he doesn’t have any descendants and he’s really not famous at all.”

Minseok smiled as he turned back to the list of hanja.  “Well. I don’t think we have a hanja for ‘famous’ but we do have one for ‘great.’  As in ‘big.’ And this one—jong—can mean ‘heritage.’ But it can also mean ‘bell.’ As in ‘noisy.’”

Baekhyun cackled.  “Perfect!” He bounced over to sit on top of the other kobold.  “Hey, you big noisy bell! That’s your name now, big bell!”

The squashed kobold looked up at Minseok in confusion.  “What?” he asked, then frowned as Tan took advantage of the situation to grab the string—it was definitely one of Minseok’s shoelaces—and run off with it in her mouth, fluffy tail lifted high in triumph.

“Can I call you ‘Jongdae?’” Minseok asked, feeling rather embarrassed about the choice all of a sudden.

The kobold beneath Baekhyun did his best to shrug with the weight on top of him.  “Sure. I’ve been called lots worse things.”

“I think it’s cute,” Minseok smiled.  “I’m glad you like it.” 

He took another sip of his coffee, then shook his head to clear it as the absolute inanity of the last twenty-four hours began to crystallize under the influence of the caffeine.  

Two guys that shouldn’t have been able to fit in his suitcase had tumbled out of his suitcase anyway.  It hadn’t even been heavy when Minseok had been lugging it from the taxi to his apartment.

His cat could see these two guys, which seemed to indicate that they didn’t just exist inside of Minseok’s own mind.

These non-imaginary guys seemed to have a penchant for nudity, disregard for personal space, and the apparent ability to pick locks.  But they also said that if he fed them they’d clean for him, and he does like things clean.

“So, you two are like, the perverted version of the shoemaker’s elves?” Minseok asked the kobolds who were now playfully wrestling on the floor.

“We’re not  _ perverted, _ ” Jongdae protested, looking entirely offended.  “We’re not like, molesting chickens or anything.”

“It’s just that you modern humans are such  _ prudes, _ ” Baekhyun continued.  “You all act like the natural body you were born with is somehow shameful.  You never see any other animals doing that.”

Minseok felt oddly defensive.  “I don’t think my body is shameful.  But there are certain things I like to keep private.”

“Well, we don’t,” Baekhyun stated.  

“So we can take our pants off now?” Jongdae asked hopefully.

“No!” Minseok said hastily.  He frowned. “You must have had to wear pants before.”

Baekhyun shrugged.  “We were usually invisible.”

“But you’re so cute!” Jongdae cooed.  “We wanted to take  _ proper  _ care of you, and humans freak out when invisible mouths suck them off.”

MInseok choked on his coffee.

When he was able to speak again, he asked, “You actually want to—to, uh.  I mean. That’s a thing kobolds do?” He was going to have to google that shit.

They both grinned wickedly at him. 

“Maybe not  _ other _ kobolds.  But it’s a thing  _ we _ do.  To each other, at least,” Baekhyun smirked.

“But we also want to do it to you,” Jongdae added.  “You looked so hot when you did it yourself in the hostel, but it’s much more fun when someone else helps.”

Minseok blushed.  He had attended to himself a few times during his vacation, too shy and unconfident in his language skills to attempt to hook up with anyone in Berlin.  And he hadn’t wanted to be one of those careless tourists that came home with an STD as a souvenir.

He came home with an oddly sexual pair of live souvenirs instead.  He wasn’t sure that was any better.

“We’re hungry,” Baekhyun complained.  “We can’t work on an empty stomach.”

Shaking himself, Minseok headed for the pantry.  “I got rid of all the perishable food before my trip,” he said.  “All I have is ramyun.”

“What’s a ramyun?” Jongdae asked.

“It’s a salty noodle soup, at least when it’s made from packets.  And I don’t have anything to add to it to make it more like an actual meal.”

“Germans like noodles,” Baekhyun said.  

Evidently kobolds liked noodles, too, because they made Minseok prepare four packets.  It was almost cozy, stirring the pot of noodles as the pair stood on either side of him, watching his every move with interest.  

The pleasant mood ended with a virtual record-scratch when Minseok went to pull some chopsticks from the drawer.

“What the fuck is this?” he wondered out loud, holding one of the now-lethally-sharp metal sticks up for a better look.

“Meister’s tiny javelins were so dull!  We sharpened them up for you.” Jongdae beamed, evidently pleased with his work.  

“They’re much better for picking locks this way,” Baekhyun agreed.

Minseok pursed his lips.  If this was the sort of “help” he could expect, he was even more regretful about falling asleep without finishing his beer.  But since he didn’t have the power to turn back time, he could only march onward as best he could.

“These aren’t javelins,” he explained.  “They’re eating utensils. They’re supposed to be dull so it’s safe to put the tips in your mouth.  They’re not for picking locks with, either,” Minseok added with a meaningful glare at Baekhyun.

Neither kobold looked particularly cowed.

With a sigh, Minseok fished two forks from the drawer—he’d have evidently needed to teach them how to use the unfamiliar chopsticks, anyway.  It was probably better to stick with what they knew for the time being.

“I really should go grocery shopping,” Minseok said when the hungry little guys were patting their full bellies and smacking their lips in satisfaction.  “Will you be alright here by yourself while I’m gone?” He eyed the pair dubiously.

“Yes, of course!” Baekhyun said.

“We’ll just have nap time,” Jongdae declared before the two of them piled onto the sofa and curled up together like a pair of puppies.

Minseok couldn’t help but smile softly at the instantly-asleep kobolds.  They really were rather cute. Especially when Tan decided that her new non-enemies made a decent self-warming bed and draped herself on top of them.  

Evidently, Minseok had three pets now.

Shaking his head in continuing disbelief, Minseok went off to reload his larder and replace his silverware.  

 

🍺🎂🍻

 

When Minseok returned, he opened the apartment door cautiously, still unable to get that Dr. Seuss book and the illustration of the trashed house out of his head.  But to his great relief, everything looked normal—although the kobolds were no longer on the sofa.

Instead, Minseok could hear noises coming from his bedroom.

Disturbing noises.

He dropped the bags of groceries on the counter and stormed down the hall to his room.  His trepidation grew as he passed a pair of brightly colored hats on the floor, then a matching pair of ponchos.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” he yelled, even though it was incredibly obvious that “the fuck” was exactly what they were doing.

“Oh good, you’re back in time,” Jongdae said.

“Yes, we were afraid we’d finish without you!” Baekhyun added.

They made no effort to cover themselves or stop writhing around, and Minseok buried his face in his hands.  His poor bed. He was going to have to do  _ so much laundry. _

Taking his eyes off the horny little beasts was evidently a mistake because the next thing he knew, fingers were tugging at his waistband.  He yelped and swatted them away only to get two pairs of puppy eyes.

“Let us make you feel good, Meister.”  Jongdae’s pout was lethal.

“We’re really good at it,” Baekhyun added coyly.  

Jongdae pressed his bare body against Minseok’s side, lean and toned in all the right places and hard against his thigh.  The salacious kobold deliberately placed Minseok’s hand on his round little ass, then started kissing his neck, wet and tongue-heavy.

At the same time, Baekhyun was grinning at him wickedly, stroking himself and doing sinful body rolls to show off his own physique.  He was slim as well but soft where Jongdae was hard, smooth where Jongdae was edgy. From cheekbones to muscle definition to the shape of his smile, Jongdae was just a little sharper, and from the shape of his puppy eyes to the curve of his thighs to his fluffy blond hair, Baekhyun was just that much more silken.

And while Minseok kept thinking of them as small, they really weren’t any shorter than some of the girls he’d dated.  It was just that almost every other man he’d encountered as an adult had been his own height or taller—males that much shorter than him were invariably children.

But these two were definitely not children.  They weren’t even short enough to make logistics a problem, as demonstrated by Jongdae’s ability to easily suck on Minseok’s jawbone.  And they weren’t exactly small below the belt, as demonstrated by the pair of erections now pressed against his thighs.

“Wait,” Minseok said, trying to think with the head on his shoulders.  “This feels wrong.”

“Then take off your pants and we’ll make it feel  _ right. _ ”  Baekhyun reached for his waistband.

Minseok caught his gracile fingers.  “No, I mean—I don’t think this is appropriate.”  His voice jumped up in pitch on the last syllable when Jongdae’s tongue slithered into his ear.

“Why not?” the tongue’s owner whispered.

Minseok swallowed.  “I-I mean, aren’t I like, your master or something?  I don’t want to take advantage of that or anything.” Plus he thought it was a little weird (okay, more than a little) to let supernatural beings get him off.  Gashin weren’t supposed to exist, much less be visible, tangible, or trying to stick their hands down his pants.

Both kobolds burst into laughter.

“We accepted your offering, but that doesn’t mean you own us,” Jongdae chided.

“Yeah.  We call you Meister because you’re the master of the household, not of  _ us. _ ”

“Oh,” Minseok said.  “Well, it makes me feel a little awkward.  Can you just call me Minseok instead?”

The kobolds shoved their heads under Minseok’s T-shirt and whispered to each other in their mothertongue.  Minseok could have sworn one of them licked his abs while they were in there.

Baekhyun popped his head out.  “If we call you Minseok, does that mean you’ll take your pants off and play with us?” 

Minseok hesitated.  On the one hand, they kept offering—it wasn’t like he was forcing them.  They were adults. And they were cute.

On the other hand, Minseok wasn’t entirely convinced this wasn’t just the strangest dream he’d ever had.

But if it was a dream, why shouldn’t he do whatever he wanted?

Jongdae popped his head up as well.  “We have a lot of energy and your home is really clean already.  We have to burn it off somehow—you may as well enjoy it.”

“...Fine,” Minseok said.

The next thing Minseok knew he was naked and on his back on the bed.  Jongdae’s mouth was working his neck and chest and collarbones, probably leaving all sorts of unsightly hickeys behind.  But Minseok couldn’t bring himself to care too much about that because Baekhyun seemed intent on swallowing his cock whole.

“Hngh,” Minseok said, trying not to roll his hips upward into the wet heat surrounding him.

“Mmm,” the kobolds said around their respective mouthfuls.

It was rather overwhelming.  Which was why Minseok found himself making a whole range of noises, some of which came damn close to replicating the German consonants he’d thought himself incapable of producing.

“We don’t really breathe, you know,” Jongdae purred in his ear.  “And Baekhyun likes it rough.”

How was a man supposed to react to that?  Minseok’s body seemed to have its own idea.  With a groan that rumbled up from somewhere around his toenails, Minseok’s hips pistoned until he was emptying himself into Baekhyun’s mouth.  The kobold had ignored Minseok’s attempt to signal his incoming climax, and now he was licking his lips salaciously.

“The traditional offering is a saucer of milk,” Baekhyun smirked.  “But I like this much better—especially straight from the source.”

Minseok could only flop back and blink at the ceiling stupidly while Jongdae snickered in his ear.  He thought maybe his soul had left his body and flown back to Germany when he started to hear murmurs in that language, but it turned out it was just a pair of kobolds trading what was probably dirty talk as they jerked each other off over Minseok’s still-heaving abs.

Then the filthy little creatures licked up the mess.  Minseok definitely did not read about  _ that _ in that story about the shoemaker.

“Should we sweep the floor again?  The Katze probably shed some hairs since we did it last.”

“Oh!  Let’s look between the couch cushions for shiny coins and crunchy snacks!”

“Oh yes, let’s!”

Enthusiastic feet pattered down the hallway, leaving Minseok spent and brainless.  He just needed to close his eyes for a minute to get his bearings back.

 

🍺🎂🍻

 

“Meist—Minseok!”

The mattress shook as a body landed on the bed, then a warm weight settled on his chest.  He cracked his eyes open to see Jongdae smiling at him from the vicinity of his sternum, looking much like Tan when she chose to snooze atop her human.

“Yes?” Minseok asked blearily, one arm wrapping around the kobold’s narrow waist reflexively.

“We’re bored!” Baekhyun announced, wriggling up beside them.

“Oh,” Minseok said.  “Um. Do you play games?  Or do you want to go for a walk or something?”

They shook their heads in unison.  

“We don’t show our true forms to anyone that’s not our Meister,” Jongdae explained.

“And usually not even then,” Baekhyun added.  “They were usually old or frumpy or mean, not yummy like you are.”

“Oh,” Minseok said again.

“But we could wear our animal shapes,” Jongdae said, perking up.  “Are dogs allowed in Korea?”

Minseok nodded.  “They have to be on a leash, though.”

Baekhyun wrinkled his nose.  “Leashes are worse than pants,” he declared.

“Well, if you want to be dogs and go outside, that’s how it has to be,” Minseok stated, struggling to sit up with Jongdae in his lap and Baekhyun under his arm.  “And I don’t have any leashes—I’d need to stop at the pet shop sometime.”

“Sometime like now?” Jongdae asked, giving him a look equally pleading and mischievous from beneath long dark lashes.

“Uh.  I guess.  You have to let me get up and put pants on though.”

Both kobolds sighed in unison but released him to dress.

“What size collars do I need?” Minseok asked as he put his shoes on, suddenly worried that these dog shapes were pony sized or something.

“Our necks are basically the same size as now,” Jongdae said.

“So get us pretty ones,” Baekhyun demanded.  “So we can wear them all the time.”

“We like to look handsome,” Jongdae added.  “Tough but classy.”

“Sparkly but stylish,” Baekhyun refuted.

The kobolds began to argue over the best way to look fashionable as Minseok slipped out the door.  Rather ironic, considering neither were wearing a stitch of clothing. 

 

🍺🎂🍻

 

The pet shop was overwhelming, full of doggy fashions in several sizes ranging from teeny to medium.  Big dogs weren’t as popular in Korea as they were in other countries—in Germany, Minseok had seen a woman about his own height walking a pair of great Danes down the street like it was completely normal to stroll next to two animals that each weighed more than she did.

He really hoped his own pair of beasts were much smaller than that.

He picked out two collars and matching leashes (because he just knew that if he came back with plain ones the creatures would complain) and made his way back to the apartment, second-guessing his choices the entire way.  He’d only known his new… companions? Around twenty-four hours. So far he knew they hated pants and loved noodles and sex. He hardly felt qualified to make many choices on their behalf.

At the thought of pants, Minseok ducked into a department store on his way home, grabbing a few things he thought he might be able to convince them to wear.  Second-guessing those choices as well, Minseok finally went back to his kobold-infested home.

They mobbed him as soon as he stepped in the door, grabbing at the shopping bags and his ass indiscriminately.  He surrendered the pet shop goods to save himself, letting the pair rip the plastic in their haste to find out what he’d bought.

The kobolds stared at the pile of embellished leather straps on the floor for a minute, then dove for their respective choices.  Much to Minseok’s relief, they came up with different collars in their hands. Then they unbuckled them and tried to wear them, whining when it proved difficult to fasten the buckles they couldn’t see.

“Let me help you,” Minseok said, suppressing laughter.  

Baekhyun reached him first and Minseok fastened the black rhinestone-encrusted collar around his throat, making sure he could fit two fingers between the kobold’s skin and the leather.  The dark stones still caught a lot of sparkle without being gaudy, and Baekhyun ran for the bathroom to check himself out in the mirror. A happy shout informed him that Thing One was pleased.

Jongdae’s collar was also black, but the surface of the leather was studded with silver spikes alternating with clear rhinestones the same diameter.  He could barely hold still while Minseok fastened it and charged after Baekhyun as soon as Minseok sent him off with a pat on the butt.

For quite some time, excited yelling was all Minseok could hear.  Tan slunk under the sofa where presumably the sound was muffled.

Which was just as well, because a moment later barking filled the air as a pair of dachshunds barreled down the hallway toward him.

These weren’t the wee little dachshunds Minseok had occasionally seen being walked around the neighborhood.  These were the real deal, badger-hunting dogs of old, and they certainly sounded like it. 

The one with the spiked collar was smooth-coated, a dappled black and grey with one brown eye and one blue, giving him a rakish look that seemed to suit Jongdae well.  Baekhyun’s black rhinestones were set off well by his long creamy coat, the picture of elegance until he started bouncing around and tugging at Jongdae’s ear.

Maybe Minseok should start sprinkling messes around his home to keep them from storing so much pent-up energy.  Except he could never bring himself to deliberately dirty his home. He’d better prepare himself to wake up a little early in the morning so he could take his new pets for walkies before work.

Scratch that—he needed to wake up  _ very _ early in the morning, because these pups were not leash-trained  _ at all. _  They dragged him pell-mell down the street, darting off in different directions with no warning, tangling him in the leashes and doing their very best to take him down and drag his mummified corpse down the sidewalk behind them.

They also barked their fool heads off  _ the entire time. _  If he hadn’t before, he certainly believed now that they had no need for breathing.  Passers-by gave them a wide berth and Minseok’s agility was further tested by his need to bow his apologies while doing his best to remain upright.

Hissing as he stumbles into a street post, Minseok seriously considers just letting the rascals loose and retreating for home.  But he’d foolishly engraved the dangling silver tags on the collars with his name and phone number, so all that would result in is a citation for unleashed dogs when Animal Control showed up on his doorstep with the doggy devils.

Maybe, he told himself, just maybe if he walked them more often, each time wouldn’t be such a trial.  He and his sore ankle needed to believe.

 

🍺🎂🍻

 

“What are these?” 

The kobolds had resumed their humanoid shapes as soon as Minseok had closed the apartment door behind them.  They’d unclipped the leashes and ran for the rest of the shopping while Minseok, leashes still looped around his now-bruised wrist, just slid down the door to pant heavily on the floor.

Minseok was in good shape.  He worked out, trained for endurance, and kept himself healthy.

He also felt like he was about to die after his hour-long ordeal.  He could practically hear “Flight of the Bumblebees” playing in his head the whole time as an underscore to the incessant barking.

Next time—oh fuck, there was going to be a next time—Minseok would be wearing his old futsal shin guards.  And if it weren’t for the fact that it was probably a safety concern, he’d wear earplugs, too.

“Are these those Marvel guys?” Baekhyun asked the dying human, holding up a pair of white briefs with red piping and a character screen-printed on the ass.

“Are you trying to trick us into wearing pants?”  Jongdae had a green-piped pair in his hands, looking at Minseok suspiciously.

“Not trick,” Minseok panted.  “Bribe.”

“Don’t you like seeing our cute little buns?” Baekhyun teased, wagging his ass in Minseok’s direction.

“They’re cute,” Minseok acknowledged.  “But assprints aren’t. Those are hardly even pants.  You’ll barely notice you have them on.”

The kobolds shot him skeptical looks but proceeded to step into the briefs and pull them up, crowing and pointing at each other’s crotches once they were in place.

“You shouldn’t be wearing the Hulk,” Baekhyun chided.  “Nothing about you is all that big.”

“Fuck off, I’m bigger than you at least.  And you’re hardly worthy of Iron Man—you come first every single time!” Jongdae retorted.

The kobolds went down in a tangle of offended gasps and flying elbows.  Insults flew but so did laughter and soon they were tickling each other while screaming.

Minseok just closed his eyes and rested his head back against the door.  He wasn’t even going to consider telling them the underwear was on backwards.  He’d let them have droopy crotches and ass cleavage just as long as they stopped running around with their junk out all the damn time.  It was really damn distracting on top of being unsanitary.

Minseok hated being unsanitary himself so he drug his sweaty ass down the hall and into the shower.  He couldn’t swallow a moan as the hot water began relaxing his poor abused muscles. He definitely didn’t swallow his yelp when hands began massaging his dick.

The giggle informed him the shower invader was Baekhyun before he was able to blink the water out of his eyes.

“What did I tell you about lock-picking?” Minseok asked, glowering down at the once-again-nude kobold.

“Not to do it with the pointy silver sticks,” Baekhyun answered.

Minseok pinched the bridge of his nose.  That is in fact what he had told the kobold, so he couldn’t even be mad at anyone but himself.

“Well, I’m telling you now that I enjoy privacy when I’m asleep or in the bathroom.”

“Why?” Baekhyun asked, smoothing a soapy loofah over his abs.  “There’s nothing else to clean or polish. You should at least let us clean you and polish your dick.”

“Plus I’m really good at shoulder rubs,” Jongdae piped up—from directly behind Minseok, causing him to flinch so hard he almost slipped.

Four little hands steadied him.  “How did you survive without us?” Jongdae chuckled when Minseok had regained his footing.

Giving up on any semblance of a normal life with normal boundaries, Minseok dropped his head and let the little terrors do their worst.

 

🍺🎂🍻

 

The next day after work, Minseok debated just renting an entirely new apartment and never returning to his supposedly-mythical creature inhabited home.  He’d almost been late to work that morning even though he’d given himself an extra hour to take his noisy, energetic pets on a long walk. The little beasts had managed to trip him into the duck pond in the park, so he’d had to shower again before pulling on his work clothes.

While he’d been in the shower the pair had managed to set his cooktop on fire trying to make themselves more ramyun (seriously with an electric range how the fuck did they even?) and then instead of using the kitchen extinguisher that was right there on the wall, they’d proceeded to dance around and sing what he presumed to be an ancient pagan fire-worship song.

This meant Minseok was pulled from his shower by the smoke alarm, racing panicked and naked into the kitchen to save his home from his house sprites.

And then the little bastards had looked at his bare body with sullen faces and said in perfect unison, “How come  _ we _ have to wear pants if  _ you _ don’t?”

Minseok had thrown all the ready-to-eat snacks in the pantry at them, pulled on his clothes, and all but stormed out the door, trusting Tan to take care of herself if it all went to shit while he was gone.

Tan is the only reason Minseok made himself trudge back to his apartment after work, unable to permanently abandon his cat to the “care” of the pair of gleeful delinquents.  He’d stopped for takeout, assuming he’d have to get out the heavy duty cleaners to restore his glass-top range to a useable condition. He’d ordered three times as much as usual to hopefully be able to keep the ravenous beasts content until then.

But when he finally forced himself to open the door, his apartment was sparkling from floor to ceiling.  The stove looked like nothing unpleasant had ever happened. The air smelled fresh and not like burnt pasta.  Tan was even freshly brushed and wearing a ribbon around her neck that Minseok had never seen before and was therefore afraid to ask about.

And the kobolds were bouncing on the sofa, wearing their collars and (thank fuck) their underwear, watching a group of unconventionally-dressed people sing in a language Minseok didn’t understand.

“What is this?” Minseok asked, setting the food on the coffee table to hums of delight.

“Eurovision,” Jongdae somehow managed to say intelligibly even with his mouth stuffed full of fried chicken.

“What’s a Eurovision?” Minseok asked, sitting between the pair and laying claim to several pieces of chicken before they all disappeared.

“It’s a singing contest.  Each country sends a group and they vote.  It’s delightfully ridiculous!” Baekhyun crowed.

“Huh,” Minseok said.  “I’ve seen weirder K-Pop videos.  But I had no idea we got that sort of show in Korea.”

“You don’t,” Baekhyun smiled.  “We’re streaming it from a file-sharing site on your laptop.”

“...Oh.”  Now that he was looking, Minseok noticed his laptop sitting near the TV, screen black and trailing a cable behind it.  “How do you know how to do that?”

“People would do it in the hostel all the time to get shows from their own country.  We just watched over their shoulders and then played with their laptops while they were out for the day.”

“Is that why there was German twink porn playing on my laptop when I opened it that one day?”

Both kobolds nodded and grinned shamelessly at him.

“You watched porn in my hostel room while I was gone?”

More nodding.

“I feel rather violated,” Minseok stated.  “I bought you Korean beer but I think I’m going to need to drink it all myself to erase that thought from my head.”

Disappointed noises emerged in stereo, then Jongdae snuggled up against his shoulder.

“If you give us beer, I’ll suck your dick later while Baekhyun tongues your ass.”

Minseok blinked.  

“I’ll just go get a bottle opener,” he said.

The kobolds cheered.

 

🍺🎂🍻

 

It turned out not to be entirely terrible as the weeks went by.  Minseok taught the kobolds to properly operate his appliances and how to make some simple meals for themselves while he was gone.  His fridge and pantry now contained an eclectic array of Korean and German ingredients which the kobolds intermixed with total abandon.  Minseok had to admit that sauerkraut spaghetti was almost as tasty as kimchi spaghetti, and bits of bratwurst added to spicy instant ramyun was actually really good.

His home was cleaner than it had ever been most of the time and nearly destroyed with large-scale disasters on occasion.  But the overwhelming messes were always gone when he came home from work or woke up the next morning, so Minseok did his best not to panic whenever one or the other of his little dervishes said, “Uh-oh!”

Tan enjoyed having four more hands available to pet and spoil her and Minseok certainly didn’t miss cleaning the cat box at all.  They took long walks at least twice a day—three times on weekends—and Minseok had found a v-shaped coupler that he could clip to the end of a single leash and attach both dachshunds to it.  This meant he only had to manage one leash and the rambunctious pair counteracted each other’s impulsive darting around.

There were days when he was late to work because the incorrigible pair decided playing keep-away with his last pair of clean underwear was a fun morning workout.  But there were also four tireless hands ready to work the knots out of his shoulders and the kinks out of his neck when he got back home.

Those hands were also ever-ready to massage other areas of his body and Minseok went to sleep each night entirely sated.  He no longer worried about finding time to date or about settling down and having a family. He already had a family, even if no one else ever knew about it.  His friends just thought he’d fallen in love with dachshunds in Germany and decided to get a pair when he got back. They teased him about how much he spoiled all three of his pets, how he never wanted to go out after work because he had to get home to his furbabies.  Minseok just smiled and let them talk.

No matter how stressful the day had been, when he was drifting off to sleep between two warm cuddly kobolds with Tan purring near his head, he couldn’t help but think that his vacation to Germany was the best thing he’d ever done.

But he was never going there again.  Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Who knew what the fuck he’d come home with next?

 

🍺🎂🍻


End file.
